Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
