I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
