you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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