I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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