I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
