I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
