Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
