somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
