We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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