I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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