i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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