I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
