this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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