I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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