You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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