I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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