I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
