You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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