that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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