The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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