So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She told me I should be a condom model.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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