i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
