never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
