I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
