I just saw a hot homeless man
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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