Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
