where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
