Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
