Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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