I just pynch a tree in the face
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
