My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
