I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
