I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
