I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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