he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I want her autograph on my taint
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
