This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
