just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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