he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
