I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
