don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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