So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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