There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
