good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
