My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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