Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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