it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
