I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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