u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think my moral compass just broke
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
