remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
