Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
