i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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