i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
