he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
